I've Been Married for Twenty Years Without One Disagreement

I would like every married couple who has been married for at least one year to sixty years to raise your hand if you have never been angry with each other. I should not see any hands raised. If there are a few all I can say is :"Lies you you tell!!!" In the voice of the famous Tamar Braxton-Herbert.  There is no way that you can love someone and never have an angry moment. I have to admit my husband and I have been married close to forty years and while we have not had many blow ups we have had a few.

Disagreements is part of life. They will happen. A married couple should expect them because you can't always be on the same page on everything. So if we expect this to happen then we must put a solution in place when anger comes between the couple. First we must be honest with each other. Many arguments begin because one or both of the spouses are angry. They might not let the other one know that and before you know it they are  fighting over how to crack and egg. The problem was not the egg issue but the anger over something that was not conveyed to the other. 

When you are honest with your spouse about what has caused you to be upset then you open the door to a sound conversation and allow the love to replace the anger. Next you have to remember that anger will go away but the love won't. Your marriage is more than just an angry moment and so always look at the bottom line and that is the loved shared between the couple.

Agree to disagree and then go into neutral corners. Just like a prize fighter when the bell is rung the opponents move to a place away from each other. This is something that must be done so that each spouse can think about what's going on. During that alone time don't think about what's making you angry but look at the total problem. Attempt to look at both sides. Take your emotions out of it. Both spouses should separate for at least one hour. The first half an hour to calm down and the next half to think about your actions and your love. Plan to come together after the hour and converse calmly. If you still disagree then leave it alone for now and kiss and make up. Bottom line is the love. Pray together that a sound solution can be reached and no further problems come from that angry moment.

Learn to speak using your "I" words and never push blame on the other by using "you" words. Explain yourself from your own perspective. You can not speak for your spouse only for yourself. You might have heard it different from what has been said. By saying "I thought that ....." You are expressing the way you heard it or interpreted it to mean. This opens the conversation so that your spouse can explain what they were saying and why. Many times it was not meant the way you heard it or felt it. 

Don't go to bed angry. Remember to clear up the problem even if you have to pray on it to have a solution before you go to bed. You have to leave it alone and move on to the next level. When this is done then harmony and peace will remain in your marriage and before you know it the love is stronger than before.

If it appears that you are always angry at each other or arguing then you need to have an intervention with a Christian counselor, your pastor, or a marriage mentor. If you don't have any of these people to talk to then get with an older married couple who can offer some wisdom and insight. Join your marriage ministry group at church. Get with us here on the net and send us your questions and concerns. 

Last but not least learn how to say "I'm sorry" and "I made a mistake"..."Will you forgive me". Sometimes that's all it takes to fix the problem. However don't just say the words but mean it and provide change with your actions. Always remember that you love this person and have vowed to spend the rest of your life with him/her. 

As you grow in marriage remember that there will be times when you disagree. Once that happens then put your plan into action to solve the problem or problems and get back to the business of loving each other. Make sure God is the head of your marriage and seek Him first and then follow his leads. Never speak bad about your spouse to others because anger is short lived and you will be back together before you know it. You don't want your small marital problems to be the source of the next Facebook gossip. 

As the above picture suggests " Love is caring for people even when you are angry."

Staying in Love is for a Lifetime

People are falling in love everyday. Then you notice that after a short run they are out of love. More and more today I'm hearing couples who have been married less than three years announce that they are no longer in love. This made me wonder why? After all of the hoopla over the wedding and the honeymoon then the first year of marital bliss the real life marriage begins. This is the time when the gloves come off and the true face is shown. 

This is the time that the couple should dig in and become determined to grow their love and relationship. A lasting love takes work, time and patience on the parts of both spouses. The marriage will go through many seasons of change. During those changes the couple will experience different degrees of their love. There will be times when the couple might look at each other and just not feel that loving feeling.

Its during those times that the couple must choose to love one another and push their marriage to another level. People fall in love everyday for many reasons. We see it on TV and in the movies where people meet and then before they know it they are in love, in bed, and standing before the preacher. They have a crazy relationship and end up separated or divorce. Its funny and we think that this is the way love really is. You fall in, have fun, and when it gets rough you move on.

This is not love or a base for a long life with the love of your life. Everyday from the moment you become one you must pray over your marriage. Set your mind to work on keeping your marriage healthy and choose to love no matter what. As the couple in the above picture shows us staying in love is oh so special. This is what God ordained marriage to be and all marital couples should set staying in love as their marital goal. To love one another by any means necessary is ok but to love each other with God as your center will allow for that goal of staying in love for a lifetime.

What is Love?

What is Love?

This question has been asked so many times. Each time its asked you get a different answer. We have looked at love from the bible's point of view and we have looked at love from the world's point to view. From what I can see is that Love is the creator and like God love is pure, kind, and true. 

In marriage love is the glue that seals the relationship but it's not the only thing that keeps the relationship growing. Love in its purest form in a marriage is selfless. Wanting nothing but to please the other person. While this is great it appears to be one sided and true love will never allow another to be placed in a situation that is so one sided that everything is flowing out and nothing is coming in.

On our wedding day we just focus in on the surface of love. We have that all time feel of how love makes you feel vs. how lasting is love once trouble begins. With marriage love is a daily choice. It has nothing to do with feelings. It has to do with caring enough for another that you are willing to let certain things go. You are able to decide that while you may not feel it you still love anyway. 

When I think of love not only do I refer to the scripture in Corinthians but I look at the true source of love. That is God. He is love. Pure and simple. He never has to love us but He does no matter what we do or don't do. By His example we too have to love our spouses in the same way. We must love them even when we don't like them. We must love them when they prove themselves unloving for a moment or two. We must love them when they are not showing us love. When we do this in our marriage then our foundation becomes stronger and love grows. 

That seal that will keep the couple united for the course of their lifetime. So in answer to our original question "What is love?" I can only answer that love is God and His ways and examples. When we love His way there is no doubt that we will love for a lifetime.    

From This Day Forward

Love at its best

From this day forward, I make a promise whatever happens you shall not walk alone. I’ll stand by your side, and sleep in your arms. I’ll be the joy in your heart and the food for your soul. I will bring out the best in you always, to be the best I can be, just for you, to celebrate with you in the good times, to struggle with you in the bad. Always your love, always your best friend. 

The above paragraph is the beginning of the wedding vows that I sometime use when I'm officiating. In fact during the last wedding the couple chose this one. As I was saying it and having the couple repeat it I like to watch their faces. In nine times out of ten both begin to cry at this point. I have to fight back the tears so I can continue with the rest of the ceremony myself in most cases.

I have the couple repeat after me together as I'm saying this part of their vows. They are facing each other and speaking to one another as their love ones look on. It's a way for them to make their wedding vows more practical yet loving before they go into their individual ones. As I listened to the last couple I looked over at my own husband. He acts as my assistant during the many ceremonies. He smiled at me and we both knew that this opening had great memories for us as well.

Then their words resonated into my ears and heart and once the wedding was over my husband and I sat in the car and talked about the meaning of those words.We focused on the intimacy of the vows. As it opened with "from this day forward". Just the opening offered changed for any couple. It states that a promise will be made on the day of their wedding. One that you don't plan to break. It breaks down what the promise is...that they will never walk alone. They are promising each other to be there so that as a couple neither will have to worry about being left by themselves.

Each one has determined certain things such as:

Standing by each other's side

Sleeping in each other's arms

Being the joy in each other's hearts

The food for each other's soul

From there each couple vows and promise to bring out the best in each other always and to allow their partner to bring out the best in them. They promise each other and God before all who loves them that they would celebrate together in the good seasons and struggle together during the bad seasons always united in marital love. Then in the end just going back to the wonderful joy of real deep committed love. However not just intimate romantic love but love of two friends and lovers.

As we sat looking at the beautiful garden that the wedding took place and saw the joys as the couple celebrated their union, we smiled and recommitted our love for one another. Those words still meant a lot to each of us. That when we stood in front of our officiant and friends so many years ago that we wanted to always be each others lover and each others best friend. 

Sometimes just go back and revisit the vows that you made on your wedding day. Remember the love then and look at the love now. In our case while that day was so great and I know how much I loved him then.....now after over 30 years I know that I love him even more now. Because now we have seen the promises made come full circle. We have laid in each other's arms. We have not been alone since we became one. We have been the joy and food for each other during good times and bad. We have struggled together.

We have praised together and we have laughed together. Then in the end of it all we have been each others best friend. Seeing, that our love was protected and sheltered from harm. We have been intimate with each other on all levels of intimacy and no matter what we want the best for the other. 

So in the end we begin with open promises but we end up with those promises and vows coming to life. Marriage is more than a piece of paper. More than a cause. More than just material and lawful benefits. Marriage is a celebration of a lifetime relationship of unity between the couple and God. The one who formed the union in the first place. Take time to see your love at the beginning of your marriage and now just to see where you are in the whole scheme of marital love.

All we can say is that: From this day forward.....true love has no expiration date!!!   

Where Do We Draw the Line as Christians

Where do we as Christians
 draw the line?

Colo. gay discrimination alleged over wedding cake Colo. gay couple files discrimination complaint alleging baker denied them wedding cake via Yahoo News

When will enough be enough? According to this article this male gay couple wants to get married and went  to this bakery and wanted to have a wedding cake made. The owner does not believe in same sex marriage and refused their services. The couple is now taking the owner to court for refusing to do their wedding cake citing discrimination. So my question is what is your take on the matter?

Personally I stand by the word of God where marriage is concern. As an officiant I have had several same sex couples attempt to obtain our service I have declined because I have to stand on God's Word. I'm bound by my beliefs. Since I am bound by this then it does not mean that I hate the couple or don't like them or what they are doing. However just as they have the right of choice then so do I. 

Where I find problems with these same sex couples is their attempt to want their rights understood and pushed regardless of everyone else's. People have the right to pick and choose. As a store owner you can refuse services that you don't want to take. To push this cake issue is too much when you can go somewhere else and have the cake of your dreams done in the way that you want. Your wedding day should be the best ever. 

You should have the day that you dreamed of. Why force someone to do something that they don't believe in. Many say it's the same as a black person being refused because they are black, or a Jewish person refused because they are Jewish. I don't see it that way. While we had to fight for our rights we did not attempt to force people to accept us by forcing  them to do something that they were against. I'm all for all people including those who are gay to be treated equally but that does not mean that you force me to go against my religious beliefs or you are going to make me.

The gays that do this are like bullies who feel that they must have their way no matter what. If you don't like it then they will force you to do it. A cake....really .....you want to destroy a person's business for a cake. Or you want to force a place like Chick-fila who states and stands by their religious beliefs because you want them to accept how you feel. That's not right. We are not trying to deny any one from loving. I for one will not judge it's not my place. In the same way I will not force you to do something you don't want to do and expect the same from you. Respect for each other is what is important. 

Now I don't know all of the ends and outs of the case. I don't know if the owner stated to all that his wedding cakes are made only for those who have the same belief. I'm not sure. Or if he said I will do the cake but will not add the same sex topper. I personally feel that the couple should go to a place where their service would be handled in the way that they want and maybe not recommend that bakery to their friends. 

I could be wrong but I am not trying to offend I just feel that we have far too many other problems and concerns that we need to attend to then a wedding cake. So how do you feel about this issue?

What To Do When You Think Your In-laws Hate You

Please buy
 being sold at a discount

Most of the time we see where the spouse has a problem with the in-laws. Most of the time it's the female spouse dealing with the mother of the male spouse. They just don't click and the spouse that is coming into the relationship will automatically have a dislike for the in-law. However this post is talking about when the In-laws really hate the spouse. It could be the male spouse or the female spouse. So we are going to take a look at what you should do when your In-laws just hate you for no real reason. Or for reasons that they might not have addressed to you.

You being the hated spouse have no hard feelings towards your in-laws. In fact you found it most surprising that you have sense this negativity towards you when you have attempted to be the additional child in the new family dynamics. Many times it's not what they have said but what you have perceived. You have mentioned these feelings to your spouse only for him/her to say that it's not true. While your spouse can attempt to smooth things over between you he/she can't dictate how your in-laws actions or words make you feel. 

Some actions that might help when you are preceding this negative actions or comments from your in-laws.

Step One- Open loving communication with your spouse:

Always go directly to your spouse in a serious yet loving way. Tell your spouse your true feelings about how you feel about his family. Remain calm as you converse with him. Be careful not to offend your spouse's family. Use your "I" words. For example instead of saying "Your mother thinks she knows it all and attempts to put me down in a sneaky way in front of you and others." Say it this way: "I feel that some of the comments that your mother says about me in front of others makes me feel as though she is putting me down. It hurts my feelings and I am embarrass." You might want to call her the evil bride of the devil himself but don't do this while speaking to your spouse. That is his/her mother and you would not like anyone speaking bad about your mother or father. If you don't handle the conversation with love then you may open a door that can never be closed again. Pick your time and make sure you are not angry at the time.

Step Two- Apologize, forgive, and forget:

You will have to be the bigger person. You may not feel that you have done anything wrong, but some problem had occurred. Rather than allowing everything that you have had building up inside of you loose simply apologize for whatever role you played in creating the tension. Now this is the hard part you must forgive your in-laws. You must move pass the negativity for the sake of your family. Your spouse will see that you are trying your best and will take a second look at his/her parents. If your spouse see that it's not you then your spouse will come to your aid. 

Step Three- Try to meet their needs:

Open up for dialog. You need to talk with your in-laws to see what it is they want of you or from you. Have your spouse with you when this is done, make an honest attempt. If you find out that there is really something expected and you do it then expect to see things change. If they do not then you know you have attempted and leave it at that. Your spouse will know that you did your best. Some people will just not like you no matter what, but at least you have given it all you have and you can be polite to your in-laws. This will keep your spouse happy and your children. Be Christ like no matter what. Pray for them and one day there will be peace in your marital life. 

As a spouse you want your family to have peace and harmony. You are the only one that can make that happen. If you don't argue and keep hate going then it can't grow. Purpose in your heart even if you have to keep distance that you will not be the cause of friction between your spouse and your family. As  long as you have the Lord leading then your situation will change for your well good and His glory.

Is Reality TV Good For Marriage?

This break-up is a shame and I'm praying for them

I have to make a confession I really like the Real Housewives of Atlanta. Now with that said this season I have to admit that it really got on my last nerve. I'm going to be honest I'm not sure if I will watch it next season. Why? I was just not pleased with what they have shown me about marriage. First of all there are only three ladies that are actually married. So how can you call yourself the Real Housewives? Second the ladies acted like middle school bad girls. The older ladies who have been married or were married treated the youngest married lady really bad. While she was not very knowledgeable and appeared as if she was an airhead she was married and attempting to live the housewife life. She was trying to honor her marriage and what her husband wanted. While I felt that somethings were a bit overboard but then again they had only been married for two years.

The ladies were stating to her that her husband was controlling and that she should be here own woman. While there was some truth to that still that was her marriage and no two marriages are alike. The sad part is that after the season was over it has been stated that the couple are heading for divorce. Could it had been the pressure of the show? She being around the ladies who are all self-made ladies and have a career? Was it because her husband really is controlling and does not want her on the show? Could it had been because the show was just not good for their marriage. 

I don't know the answer to this question but my limited research has shown that on the entire housewife franchise there have been over 13 breakups while the couples have been on these shows. Maybe showing your day to day marriage with its up's and down's for all the world to see may not be the best thing for marriage. I understand wanting to work and to be on the air but if it's going to affect the marriages then is it worth it?

I still feel that while we love to take a peek at these exciting people it's not worth loosing your marriage over it. I'm at fault because I'm one of the ones that will sit there and wait for the show to come on. I could be the part of the group that is causing couples in this high profile to break-up. I am praying for the young couple who I have pictured here that with good Christian counseling and help from their pastor with prayer that they will become the couple that they should be. Two years married is not very long and they need to give it another try and work harder on it. 

Now the last thing I must confess....I'm not sure that I won't be back next season waiting to see the outcome...what can I say I'm only human...lol. Give us your comments on Marriage and the real housewives.