What To Do When You Think Your In-laws Hate You

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Most of the time we see where the spouse has a problem with the in-laws. Most of the time it's the female spouse dealing with the mother of the male spouse. They just don't click and the spouse that is coming into the relationship will automatically have a dislike for the in-law. However this post is talking about when the In-laws really hate the spouse. It could be the male spouse or the female spouse. So we are going to take a look at what you should do when your In-laws just hate you for no real reason. Or for reasons that they might not have addressed to you.

You being the hated spouse have no hard feelings towards your in-laws. In fact you found it most surprising that you have sense this negativity towards you when you have attempted to be the additional child in the new family dynamics. Many times it's not what they have said but what you have perceived. You have mentioned these feelings to your spouse only for him/her to say that it's not true. While your spouse can attempt to smooth things over between you he/she can't dictate how your in-laws actions or words make you feel. 

Some actions that might help when you are preceding this negative actions or comments from your in-laws.

Step One- Open loving communication with your spouse:

Always go directly to your spouse in a serious yet loving way. Tell your spouse your true feelings about how you feel about his family. Remain calm as you converse with him. Be careful not to offend your spouse's family. Use your "I" words. For example instead of saying "Your mother thinks she knows it all and attempts to put me down in a sneaky way in front of you and others." Say it this way: "I feel that some of the comments that your mother says about me in front of others makes me feel as though she is putting me down. It hurts my feelings and I am embarrass." You might want to call her the evil bride of the devil himself but don't do this while speaking to your spouse. That is his/her mother and you would not like anyone speaking bad about your mother or father. If you don't handle the conversation with love then you may open a door that can never be closed again. Pick your time and make sure you are not angry at the time.

Step Two- Apologize, forgive, and forget:

You will have to be the bigger person. You may not feel that you have done anything wrong, but some problem had occurred. Rather than allowing everything that you have had building up inside of you loose simply apologize for whatever role you played in creating the tension. Now this is the hard part you must forgive your in-laws. You must move pass the negativity for the sake of your family. Your spouse will see that you are trying your best and will take a second look at his/her parents. If your spouse see that it's not you then your spouse will come to your aid. 

Step Three- Try to meet their needs:

Open up for dialog. You need to talk with your in-laws to see what it is they want of you or from you. Have your spouse with you when this is done, make an honest attempt. If you find out that there is really something expected and you do it then expect to see things change. If they do not then you know you have attempted and leave it at that. Your spouse will know that you did your best. Some people will just not like you no matter what, but at least you have given it all you have and you can be polite to your in-laws. This will keep your spouse happy and your children. Be Christ like no matter what. Pray for them and one day there will be peace in your marital life. 

As a spouse you want your family to have peace and harmony. You are the only one that can make that happen. If you don't argue and keep hate going then it can't grow. Purpose in your heart even if you have to keep distance that you will not be the cause of friction between your spouse and your family. As  long as you have the Lord leading then your situation will change for your well good and His glory.

Is Reality TV Good For Marriage?

This break-up is a shame and I'm praying for them

I have to make a confession I really like the Real Housewives of Atlanta. Now with that said this season I have to admit that it really got on my last nerve. I'm going to be honest I'm not sure if I will watch it next season. Why? I was just not pleased with what they have shown me about marriage. First of all there are only three ladies that are actually married. So how can you call yourself the Real Housewives? Second the ladies acted like middle school bad girls. The older ladies who have been married or were married treated the youngest married lady really bad. While she was not very knowledgeable and appeared as if she was an airhead she was married and attempting to live the housewife life. She was trying to honor her marriage and what her husband wanted. While I felt that somethings were a bit overboard but then again they had only been married for two years.

The ladies were stating to her that her husband was controlling and that she should be here own woman. While there was some truth to that still that was her marriage and no two marriages are alike. The sad part is that after the season was over it has been stated that the couple are heading for divorce. Could it had been the pressure of the show? She being around the ladies who are all self-made ladies and have a career? Was it because her husband really is controlling and does not want her on the show? Could it had been because the show was just not good for their marriage. 

I don't know the answer to this question but my limited research has shown that on the entire housewife franchise there have been over 13 breakups while the couples have been on these shows. Maybe showing your day to day marriage with its up's and down's for all the world to see may not be the best thing for marriage. I understand wanting to work and to be on the air but if it's going to affect the marriages then is it worth it?

I still feel that while we love to take a peek at these exciting people it's not worth loosing your marriage over it. I'm at fault because I'm one of the ones that will sit there and wait for the show to come on. I could be the part of the group that is causing couples in this high profile to break-up. I am praying for the young couple who I have pictured here that with good Christian counseling and help from their pastor with prayer that they will become the couple that they should be. Two years married is not very long and they need to give it another try and work harder on it. 

Now the last thing I must confess....I'm not sure that I won't be back next season waiting to see the outcome...what can I say I'm only human...lol. Give us your comments on Marriage and the real housewives.

Is My Spouse my Real Soul Mate?

Have you ever looked at your spouse and wondered..."hum is he/she my real soul mate?" I hope not. But if you have or just want to make sure that you have the soul mate created for you by God then it would be great to look at ten tips that will let you know.

 

2R1N CHRIST has been blessed to have an association with a lovely couple who's ministry is leading singles to their soul mate. I love their dedication to the work that God had entrusted them with and just wanted to share some of the tips that they have developed. 

 

With that said I present: Ten Ways to Know if you have met (or married in our case) your soul mate  by Petula & Dexter Jones from their book SOUL MATE OR JUST ANOTHER DATE....Dexter L. Jones

According to the Jones:

1. Know yourself and know what type of characteristics, traits and personality you want in a soul mate and don't deviate and accept less than what you know you are satisfied with. Does that person match that?

Since most of us on 2r1n Christ are already married then you know already if your spouse fits you or not. I can say without a doubt that my husband is right there for me. Many of us did not go into marriage wondering if your spouse was the one. Now if you are having problems with character, traits and personality then you are a unit now and building your marriage on Jesus. Commit to rededicating your lives and marriage to God and ask Him to form any imperfections that you find in each other. Seek a Christian counselor or your pastor for help.

2. Do you have a witness and peace in your spirit and heart about this individual in your life? If you do not then slow it down and make sure that you are led of the Spirit.

I can say that I knew without a doubt that I was brought to him as his mate for life. I really had a very strong witness from the Holy Spirit. You should know this by now. As you grow closer together in God He will take any doubts that might come up about coming together away. But  as you read these in hindsight you can see that yes indeed you are with your soulmate.

3. The two of you seem to naturally flow together, there is a great spiritual and soul (mental ) connection between the two of you.

Being married to my best friend we have connected in every way. The good thing is that so far I know that most of the couples reading this knows that they are with their soul mates.

4. To look at this person is like looking at an image of you.

Yes I can see that and its good to know that your spouse mirrors you on the inside.

5. When you've met your soul mate the two of you will display the utmost honesty and support for one another and this person will make you (the female) feel beautiful and satisfied? This person will make you (the male) feel like you're very worthy and able to accomplish anything.

I can just hear all of my married couples yelling now "I did it right I'm with my soul mate."

6. With your soul mate it's like you've known this person for a longtime even though the time has been brief.

Remember that this is set up for a single person. You know this already and when you think back on it you will remember what you felt when you met. I would look at my now husband then friend and think I want to sit across from him always. I felt as if we had always been right from the very start.

7. Your soul mate and you are very harmonious and can work well together.

We can understand that nothing is trouble free but when you are with your spouse and you are for the most part working together and in harmony with each other 9times out of 10 you are with your soulmate.

8. Both of you are very supportive of one another and desire to see growth in each other in every area of life.

I can just see all of my married couples jumping for joy. Looking at each other knowing that without any doubts in your mind that you are with your soulmate.

9. Your soul mate accepts you for you; they're not in the business of trying to change you. They're like a best friend.

Its time for the praise dance. You have landed your soul mate and now the two of you are one.

10. Your soul mate adores the time they have with you and aren't afraid to make a commitment to you.

You will never have to wonder if your spouse is your soul mate or not. You are with that person.

 

While this should be a study that one should have been a part of before marriage it doesn't hurt the married couple to stop and remember when. I for one have enjoyed looking back over our beginnings and to look at where we are now. Knowing that you and your spouse are put together for a life time by God will continue to cement your marriage and relationship together for the duration of your lives.

 

  

  

 

My Spouse Bully or Friend

My Spouse
Bully or Friend?

Who would ever think that their spouse could be their bully? As spouses you are suppose to be friends with each other. You are suppose to be together in love and peace. Together you are suppose to share your life for as long as you are blessed to be alive. However how many of us are living daily with a bully. 

I know some of you are thinking that will never be my marriage. My spouse loves me and will never attempt to push me around. Many times when a spouse is a bully the other spouse is not aware of it. The spouse that does the bullying will demand their own way the majority of the times but will do it in such a way that the spouse that's being bullied will just see it as his or her right. For example: you are watching something on TV that you have been waiting for all week. You are enjoying the program and then during the commercial break you go and get you a drink. When you come back your spouse has turned the station to the game. 

You say "dear I was watching my show I've been waiting all week to see it. Please turn it back." He looks at you and simple states that the game is on and that he always watches the game on that TV. You pick up your popcorn and drink and go upstairs to the bedroom to watch the show that you have been waiting to see. When you get up there you find out that he is recording another show. You come back down and state that you have been wanting to see this show all week and now not only has he turned it from the main TV he is recording on the only other TV in the house. He doesn't care and continue with his game and will not stop the recording.

You missed your show because he will not give up what he wants and thinks nothing of it. You are so use to giving in that you just accept it and either watch the game with him or do something else. This example is speaking about the male spouse this can also happen with the female spouse as well. The husband may want to go out with his friends for a game of basketball. He won't go because every time he wants to do something it will be a big argument. The husband is made to feel guilty because he may want some time bonding with his male friends. However when the wife wants to go shopping with her girlfriends then nothing is to be said. 

This is selfishness and a form of bullying. When we look up the word bullying it is defined as the following: Use superior strength or influence to intimidate (someone), typically to force him or her to do what one wants. To be a marital bully does not mean that you have to put your hands on the other spouse or is verbally rude. It could just be forcing the other spouse to give into your wishes when they would rather do otherwise but goes along with your forcefulness. This is not the way a spouse should act. Many times the bully in the relationship may not realize that is what he or she is doing.

They have been so use to getting what they want that they can't see that their actions are not in unity with the ways of a Godly union. We have to take control of our actions. We must remember that its no longer just about our own personal wants. Many times one spouse will ask for expensive gifts or toys. They may want a motorcycle,or race car. They may want a designer purse or shoes worth more than both of your paychecks put together. The bully will keep pushing until they get what they want. Once they get the latest want or toy they use it once and then never again. Nevertheless the payments on the toy is still coming out of the joint account.

This places strain on the marriage and then one day the bullied spouse may wake up and feel used or abused.He or she does not feel that you are treating them like a friend. They feel like they are always giving and never getting anything in return. Lets look at the definition of a friend. A person whom one knows and with whom one has a bond of mutual affection, typically exclusive of sexual or family relations. So what we need to look at in marriage is that we need to look at our spouse as a friend. We have to treat them in brotherly love. 

We have to share mutual affection and develop a bond that does not include sexual intimacy or a sense of family. We have to treat each other with respect. We don't push our way on our spouse just because we can. We must consider each other's feelings, needs and wants. It's not fair to always want expensive things when the house needs other things. It's not fair to hog all of the TV's or the best one when your spouse has been looking at it first. One spouse should not always state what can be watched on the TV, or what movie they will go to the theater to see. If one spouse gets to pick what should be eaten in the house or where they must go every time they go out then that spouse is using a form of bullying.

Marriage is a union. Your spouse should be your best friend and true friends try to please each other. True friends love you no matter what is going on or how you act. They are able to tell you about yourself in a loving way and you still know that they care. They are there for you and at times allow you to have your way as you allow them to have theirs. Your spouse has an even bigger role. Your spouse is your mate, lover, lifetime partner, and your best friend. Your mate is your gift from God and must be treated in a gentle and holy way. 

Remember that marriage is a forward moving work in motion. You must always look for ways to improve our relationship with each other. Check your actions. Look to see if you are acting like a friend or a bully. Watch how your spouse responds to you. If you are the spouse who sees that bullying maybe going on then stop right then and there and talk to your spouse. Let him or her know how you feel. Use "I" words so that its understood that this is how you see it and how you feel. If you are the one doing the bullying then listen and then look at yourself, your motives, and actions from your spouse point of view and make changes. 

If its to the point where intervention is needed then go to your pastor, marriage mentor or ministry, or Christian counselor. If you find yourself doing this then let your spouse know that you love them and then find ways that will make him/her know that they are loved and that their needs are important to you. The union of marriage is a covenant relationship and God is the center of that relationship. If you have doubts about your action then turn to your bible and read what God has to say about how a couple should live in holy matrimony. 

Morning Joy

Nothing like love in the morning

God has given the married couple a beautiful gift in that we can wake up every morning with the love of our life. We can open our eyes and see love laying right beside us and just give God thanks. This new year our Lord wants us to focus on the beauty of our union. As married couples we need to celebrate this awesome gift. One of the ways that we have rediscovered this year is our morning intimate sessions. 

The first thing that comes to mind when I mention this is our physical intimacy. While that is at the top of the list and I must admit is a highlight first thing in the morning (wink, wink) it's not the only form of intimate joy in the morning. In this new season of marital romance we have found that its the other forms of marital intimacy that adds to the physical. Its those added inclusions of intimacy that allows you to reach that peak of joy first thing in the morning.

As spouses we need to wake up and just look at each other. Together joining hands and giving thanks to God for providing us with each other. This will open up our intimacy door. When we begin with spiritual intimacy it's the beginning of that internal fire to begin. One of the biggest turn on's that I have found first thing in the morning is to wake up at 3am and see my husband reading, studying and praying with the bible. It is so dear to my heart and just allows me to submit as a lovely flower opens up its petals. Many times this act of intimacy will lead to a discussion of how we love each other.

How we view our life as we embrace our love for God and each other. This spiritual intimacy in the early morning hours when the dawn has not broken yet but you feel the morning energy allows the married couple to move to the next form of intimacy. From that spiritual point its easy to move into the intellectual and social where we begin to speak into each other's being and remember different past events that brought us closer. We begin to dream again and enjoy being one together in everyday. 

We move into the intimacy of being friends with each other allowing this mood to let us drift into a hazy morning of just pure joy. Enjoying each other at this point with even touching each other. As we move on up the intimacy ladder we naturally  move to the physical. However the physical is different. Deeper, giving, and unselfish. You want to reach that level of joy that you have been blessed to have with each other. You discover that every part of the intimacy ladder in those early morning hours bring you closer to heaven then you have ever been.

Early morning joy is a must for every married couple. During every season of the marital relationship. Try to bring in all elements of real intimacy. Enjoy each other as you take a slow walk down lovers land first thing in the morning before daybreak. Come together in this most intimate way and then lay together in each other's arms as you both watch the sun rise to the beginning of another new day. 

Remember Joy comes with the morning!!! 

Facebook and Marriage

Facebook can be a great tool when
we remember to use it to edify each other

Do you think that posting about your marriage on Facebook is a good thing or a bad idea? While I feel that it's a great arena for positive encouragement, mentoring and teaching I find that many use it to brag or provide a false image of their union to make the world think that they are happy when they are not. 

I don't think its good to post on Facebook about what's going on in your household. We don't need to know if your husband brought you a new this or that. We don't need to know what you fixed for dinner or didn't. We don't need to see pictures of you kissing and looking into each others eyes as if the world was there when you two are fighting in real life. 

If your marriage is a fantasy that's great if that is what you two want. However we don't need to see something fake and think its real. What that does is cause someone who is in a difficult season of marriage or who is not married to want what you have or envy your marriage thinking that something must be wrong with them.

You don't need to use that media to air your dirty laundry either. We don't need to know these things. We need to see something that is real. Something that will edify our marriages and teach us how to live and love each other as God created marriage to be. Many times I read some of the post and I know the couple personally. I know that they are having grave martial issues that need a Christian counselor to assist them.

Yet I read the post on Facebook with one or the other couple stating how much they love each other. What a wonderful day they had and how their marriage is so great. They don't need to pretend to the Facebook world that their life is so great nor do they have to talk about how bad it is. What they should be doing instead of posting fake nonsense is communicating with each other and working on solving the real issues in their marriage.

Developing a daily marital life is hard enough that you don't need to have the world peeping into your marriage window. The moment that the truth comes out then you have invited others to put their mouth on your relationship. Many are hoping and praying against your union because you have invited others to look at your perfect martial world and because its fantasy envy sets in then jealousy. 

Your marriage must remain between the two of you and God. As marriage and relationship ministry leaders we have to sometimes open up our union for teaching purposes. We made a deal with each other that certain things would never be exposed to the public even in teaching. We made a vow with God to present our ministry from the truth. We give you the good and the bad along with solutions.

What I'm trying to say is that I'm not against Facebook or social media. I have many true virtual friends. I always attempt to give a positive word from God as much as I can. When I do speak about my marriage I do not attempt to make anyone feel slighted because they are not married or their marriage is currently in a difficult season. We as children of God must be mindful of each other and always walk in truth with love. Now do I fall short of this? Of course because I am not The Christ...but I try very hard to do what will help build the body. I know that my assignment is in the area of marriage and relationship and God holds me accountable for falsehood. 

So next time that you just want to brag about your perfect marriage then tell it to your spouse. Don't get on Facebook and let the world know when you really need to only keep such things between your spouse and God. Understand there is nothing wrong with an honest post about something you find great about your mate and your marriage. But make sure its something that's uplifting and would edify the people. 

We don't need to know your everyday as if to say in your face losers because I'm married and perfect and you are not. Remember social media can be a great tool for building the Kingdom of God. Just remember that what you write is there to stay and should be a way to help somebody. 

Hall Pass a Week Off from Marriage

A week off from your marriage
Is it worth it?

I have been watching TV more since I retired. Mostly because I'm home many times alone while my husband still works. Many time the TV is on talking to me. Then there are times that I actually stop and watch all or some parts of a show. Recently I watched part of a show where there were two couples who were married. Since I didn't see it from the beginning I have to assume some of the plot. So what I deduced was that the couples were having some problems or had become complacent or both.

The wives decided that they would give the husbands a week off from marriage. Just like in school when you are allowed to leave the class to do whatever that teacher would give you a hall pass. Which means that you have permission to be out of class for however long that pass allows. What these wives did was to give the husbands a week long hall pass where they could live as if they were never married. The wives took the children and went away. The husbands and the wives could have sex, date, party, or anything that they felt was needed that they were not getting at home with their spouse. 

This movie had me thinking "what would I do if we both decided to have a week off from marriage"? Would I run out looking to be the old single girl that I used to be? Would I run to the night clubs or single in spots to cruise for men? Really after being married for so long what really would I do? Then I thought what would my husband do if given that time without the Godly restraints of marital standards?

I waited until my husband got home and just asked him. The first thing that he said was "you know I don't like questions like this. I don't want to think about life without you not even for a week." I said "oh come on I just want to know. Not that I want this but for the ministry...the ministry!!!" We both laughed and he agreed to answer the question. As I waited to hear what he was going to say now that he had a hall pass to think about having one I noticed that suddenly I really didn't want to know. I didn't want to think that he would want a week off from our marriage.

It seemed like it took him forever to answer the question. Then he sat down and pulled me down with him. He looked into my eyes and spoke softly. Then he just started telling me what he would do if he had a week off from me. This is his week off from marriage hall pass: I would take a nap because I'm tired. Once I wake up then I would fix me something to eat. After that I would watch every sport event on the tube. I would read my bible and do some laundry and then I would get ready for work the next day. After that I would go to bed. The next day I would get up and go wherever you are and bring you home. You see life would not be life for me if you are not there.

I don't need a week off from marriage to run around and find women again. I am so beyond that and I don't desire to see any other face but yours. There is too much work trying to get to know someone else. I already know you and you know me. I married you because I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you for better or for worse. I know this is not what you wanted but this is what I had to give.

It was as if I had been holding my breath waiting for his response because all I knew was that I could breath again. I kissed him with a passion that suddenly rekindled from deep within and believe me we had a great evening (wink wink).

He asked me later on what I would do if he gave me a week off from marriage and I laughed and said that I would do the same thing that he did minus doing the laundry...ha,ha,ha. You see marriage is the highlight of our life. There is nothing out there that I want we have it all inside our own world.

God created us to be social creatures we want to be with someone and grow together. No one said marriage would be easy but as you travel down the road of marital bliss you evolve to another level. As you manage the many seasons of marriage you find that your marriage changes and grows. Before you know it your marriage does not look the same as it did when you first started your marital life. There is no way I would want to go back to the beginning or to the way we were when we were a couple dating each other. 

While we still date in our marriage its not the same. We know each other. We know what each other likes and we don't like. We know how to compromise for the better of the marriage. We love each other but we now know that love is not just physical or emotional. We know that as lovers we have to choose to love each other no matter what. We also know that we must like each other. That other than Lord Jesus we are each others best friends and we must treat each other as we would treat a best friend. 

I could not imagine at this age going back on the single scene. I wouldn't have a clue and wouldn't want to learn what to do. I would just be a servant for the Lord for the rest of my life then to be out looking for love in that way. I am so happy that at 38 years of marriage I am with the love of my life and my friend that can make me laugh in an instant. I was glad that I watched the end of the this movie because it did give me something like this to think about.

I so love how God created us to be in this marital union. As we unite with Him and place Him as the Head of our marital union then we grow like a mighty maple tree. Tall strong with many branches and leaves that grow and change during different seasons. As I think about it now I was not one of those students who wanted to get a hall pass to get out of class. I actually liked being in the classroom learning just like I like being in the confines  of marriage learning to grow for our lifetime. 

There should not be any free hall passes in marriage. Each marriage is different. We all create our lives together that would better the couple that we are and the family that we would one day become or have become. Marriage God's way will guide us through the rough times and celebrate with us during the good times. I can surely say that I'm a better person since I've been with my husband all these years and he states that he feels the same way. That does not mean that we are not strong individuals but our marriage helps our individual selves.

So I guess you are wondering what happened with the movie hall pass. Well the husbands and wives realized that they were too old and happy after all in their relationship. While they found the scenario exciting in the beginning the freedom to go out and just do whatever they thought they were missing got old. They soon found out that they really didn't want that and wanted to be with their spouses. See even in fiction the bottom line is being with the one you have vowed to love through thick and thin is better than running around and having freedom to play. Playing is not something you want to do even for a week. If you want to play its better to play with someone that knows how to play well with you.

Now I give you that very question. If you were given a hall pass from your marriage to do whatever you wanted for a week would you one take it and two what would you do. Write us and let us know.